As I write this, I’m about eight hours away from heading to the hospital and being induced. This baby is coming soon and we can’t wait to meet him. But yet, even as his arrival grows closer and closer, I’ve found that part of me is mourning our existing family. Which then of course sets me into a whole new direction of guilt- but let me explain.
I feel like we have this amazing guy, Teddy, and we’ve all hit a stride as a family of three. Is it easy? Not a chance, but it’s perfect for us. I’m grappling with the knowledge that after tonight, and after we bring this baby home, it all changes. And I know it changes for the good, don’t get me wrong on that, but still, like with the closing of any chapter, it does make me sad.
Last night we had an impromptu pizza party in the backyard and it was wonderful. We sat on folding chairs, the weather was perfect, and after Ian and Teddy finished eating, they moved to the grass to do summersaults, wrestle, watch the planes in the sky… It was amazing.
I’ve realized throughout the 2.5 years I’ve been a mother, there have been these opening and closing of chapters. I remember feeling super emotional when I decided to stop breastfeeding Teddy. He was a year and a half, and I was only nursing once a night, but at the time, it felt like to stop was such a big and hard decision. And in looking back on it, a year later, it doesn’t feel nearly that hard or big in retrospect. That is what I hope for what I’m feeling now. I know that love doesn’t divide, but it just expands with a new baby, and I can’t wait for the pizza parties in the yard when Teddy and his brother are wrestling together, doing summersaults, and watching airplanes. But in this moment, with so much anticipation, anxiety, nervousness, and emotions, I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed and pre-emptively nostalgic.
With the nostalgia, I’m also feeling excited, giddy, about this new baby’s arrival. Of course I’m nervous that everything will go okay, but I keep going to that amazing feeling of when I held Teddy for the first time and I can’t wait to hold our newest guy in my arms and look at him in the face and fall head over heels, simply madly in love with him. It’s a feeling like no other.